A Scandinavian perspective

Hullo

Although I am liking England, I am finding the people a little strange. Is it the foul weather that is making them so depressing? I ask myself. And so repressed.

Coming from Sweden I am very liberated, being of the bi-sexual orienteering as my friend Georgina has said. Why she is objecting to the sexual experimentation with her husband I am not understanding at all. As you English say – three is company, whereas two can find it so boring.

Okay. So the husband George, he is a dull, sexually inhibited Englishman. But he is all we got at the moment, isn’t it. She says she hates him. I say to her – okay, but the tolerating is needed if we are to be making the world go around – and the bed springs to be going ‘boing, boing’ (that is Swedish joke).

But now Georgina is also upset because of the son Sydney is on the elopement. I say to her – Georgina, do not be fretting. Divorce is very easy in England nowadays, is it not.

But there is no consoling her. I am also remembering that the boy has not returned to me the magazines I have borrowed him. All in all, as they are saying – it is the bugger, and no mistaking.

Also the brother, Hector is returning to his wife. Now he was a bit more lively. And what I am liking about him is that he is prepared to learn. But now he is gone. And what is pissing me off is that he has taken my PVC mini skirt (the purple one), plus my favourite riding crop. I am only hoping he is intent to wear the skirt himself and not to give to that bovine wife of his.

George thinks I don’t know where he has gone, but I do. And I plan to pay them the visitation. I surprise them by knocking on the door and saying – Hullo there, can anyone be joining in?

I am sorry Georgina, but a girl has needs.

He's back! That awful man. I'm glad I was out of the house when he arrived. Anna and I had gone to a protest meeting. Some friends of ours had applied for planning permission to open a 'Feminist Boutique' in Evesham, and the dinosaurs on the council had turned down the application.

We staged a protest outside the town hall. It was fun. Anna knocked a policeman's helmet off. She was arrested and began screaming for the Swedish consul. They released her with a caution.

My dear little boy has got his girlfriend (Monica, I think her name is) pregnant. What a shock. I always thought Sydney was gay.

Now, this puts me in a difficult position - ideologically speaking. I mean, to get a young, innocent girl pregnant is a typical male, chauvinistic act; symbolising the paternalistic power structure of our decadent society, and its brutalising of the femine sex.

On the other hand, he is my little boy, so naive and vulnerable, and probably taken advantage of by this scheming little slapper.

Perhaps I should speak to Anna. She is bi-sexual, and so has a finger in both pies - so to speak. She - rather bizarrely - describes herself as 'a lesbian in a woman's body'.

That stingy sod hasn't brought me back a present. Anyway, it would probably have been unsuitable. Honestly, he has no taste. I said that to him once and he replied 'Obviously not - I married you!'

I am going to hand over to Anna now. Please excuse her 'fractured tongue' - her English, I mean. There is nothing wrong with her tongue... I can tell you.

Stick together girls.

Georgina